Insufficient

It's a word that has been bouncing around in my head for a few weeks now. It comes into my head at the most unusual times. Most of the time, it comes with a sharp sense of guilt. It disturbs my soul. It has a tendency to condemn. It comes as I review conversations, actions, decisions, efforts. And it is always the same. Insufficient.

Websters' dictionary defines it as : lacking adequate power, capacity, or competence. Inadequate.

I don't like it. I want to know exactly the right things to do, say, and think at exactly the right time. I don't want to flounder around. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't want to hurt people I care about. I don't want to say the wrong thing, or something I will regret saying later.

When the word first came to my mind, it made me sad. It felt like I was being measured and coming up wanting - and I was. It seemed like there was a series of events where no matter how hard I tried anything I had to offer was insufficient. It sent me into a spin of sorts where I couldn't lift my head - I just centered in on my insufficiency.

What a blessing!!! Even as I worked on this post, I wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to say. I had begun to feel joy in my condemnation, but couldn't figure out why. I knew God was at work, and that I was experiencing His grace, but I was having trouble putting it into words. Last night and this morning, I read two different things describing what was happening in my heart.

The first was from a book I just finished called "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller. On page 212-213 he is describing an experience he had when he brought his daughter Kim to one of his speaking engagements. Kim is autistic, and has a tendency to melt down if things don't go according to plan. During a series of melt downs, he thinks to himself "This was a mistake. I will never do this again."

He continues on to say that he:

"didn't realize that... that the kingdom had come. It is always that way with the kingdom. It is so strange, so low; it is seldom recognized. It looks like a mistake.

Later as I reflected on the weekend and on the ways of God, I realized that I was in the middle of one of God's stories. On Saturday, I spoke in front of a crowd who listened to my every word and respected me. When you speak, no matter how hard you try, you are at the center. Even if you are talking about Jesus and how he loves people, as I was, it's tempting to take credit for your speaking.

However, on Friday I was in front of three different crowds (at the bus stop, in the security line, and on the plane), helpless and embarrassed. I looked inadequate, I felt inadequate, and I was inadequate. God was reminding me of what I am really like. He was preparing my heart on Friday, so I'd not be confused by people's praise on Saturday. I wanted success; he wanted authenticity." (emphasis mine)

The second was a post be Of First Importance. It is a quote from Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening (on Sept. 6th). It says:

"Ah! believer, it is safer always for you to be led of the Spirit into gospel liberty than to wear legal fetters. Judge yourself at what Christ is rather than what you are. Satan will try to mar your peace by reminding you of your sinfulness and imperfections: you can only meet his accusations by faithfully adhering to the Gospel and refusing to wear the yoke of bondage."

The last few weeks were a much needed reminder of what I am really like. I am so very blessed by friends who have the gift of encouragement. It is a refreshment to be built up in the Lord. And yet sometimes, that "building up" can go straight to may head (and I am not a public speaker - Praise God!!! ). I start to think I "have something" - something I can offer. And when I try to offer that something (which, of course, comes with a series of expectations as to what the result should be of such offerings), and nothing happens - I feel inadequate. I want success. God wants authenticity. He wants me to be honest about my short comings and offer Him - not my something. I recognize that, and in my strength and wisdom I decide to offer nothing. After all, I am sinful and imperfect. I try to clean up my act, and it is still imperfect. I fall into condemnation. I allow Satan to mar my peace by wallowing in my sin and imperfections. I can battle these feeling by swinging back to my "something" and resting in that - or I can rest in the Gospel. I can believe that God will use my inadequacies to bring glory to Himself, in His time, in His ways. I need to judge myself at what Christ is rather than what I am.

Paul addresses this in 1 Corinthians 12. He was an apostle. He saw Christ. He experienced direct revelations from God. He speaks of a thorn to keep him humble. He pleads with God to take it from him. God answers Paul -

1 Corinthians 12:9-10

" But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

This is the source of my joy in condemnation. God is sovereign - even in my inadequacy. In fact, it is my inadequacy that points me to Himself. It is my inadequacies that bring glory to Him because it displays His power in my life. I desire the power of Christ to rest upon me. I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness.

My God why would you shed your blood so pure and undefiled to make a sinful one like me your chosen precious child?

Another Wonderful Reminder from Of First Importance!

“Even when we pray for the blessing of God’s own glory to rest upon us, we find the fulfillment not by thinking about ourselves but by looking to Jesus. Likeness to God’s beauty comes by reflection. We are conformed to his image as we look at the original. It is the Spirit-given vision of the beauty of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ that transforms us to share in that beauty.”

- Edmund P. Clowney, Christian Meditation (Vancouver, BC: Regent College Publishing, 2002)

http://firstimportance.org/

A New Favorite Song

Run

by Reilly

I’ve got a lot of faith in you

No I would never stray from you

I’ve got all my hope in you

‘cause it’s bright it’s bright outside

But as soon as the darkness comes

And as soon as the teardrops fall, I run

I’ve got a lot to learn from you

My heart, make it yearn for you

I’ll get all I need from you

if only my soul would live like this were true

Cause as soon as the darkness comes

And as soon as the teardrops fall, I run

I want to give my life to you

Sacrifice all my will to you

I want to walk this walk with you

I know in my soul I’ll be better off when I do

So as soon as the darkness comes

And as soon as the teardrops fall

I’ll run to you, I’ll run to you my God, my King

I’ll run to you my Savior

I’ll run to you, and I’ll never stop until I get to you

I’ll run to you, I’ll run

And as soon as the darkness comes

And as soon as the teardrops fall, I’ll run

When I first heard this song, I found it trite. What was ironic about it was that the very lines I found trite were meant to be so. I missed it completely. The first verse is where I find myself so often. It's the "Thank you for dying for me, Jesus - I have it from here" mentality. And as long as it's "bright outside" I am content to stay there. It is an easy place to be. Then "something" happens. Whether a "major" or a "minor inconvenience" (and no -it doesn't take long), I run. Not to my Father - away. I fall back on all those things that "worked" before, or run into a tantrum, etc. I found the last two verses comforting. I have often felt that "if only my soul would live like this were true" - and yes - I know that my soul will be so much better served when I run TO my Father.

I have a music thing, for sure. I love to read and study, but there is something about my brain that seems particularly wired to music. For me - it's all about the lyrics, which is why I have to be VERY careful what I am listening to. Truth set to music has an immediate impact on my thinking (unfortunately so do lies set to music). I limit my musical input for this reason (all songs must pass a lyrical "litmus test" - and yes, I listen to a lot of music that would not pass some people's musical "prowess" test (for me I have found that musical quality is secondary if the lyrics are "iffy"...). This song has been a wonderful reminder this week for me to return to my dependent mentality - and, if your curious, in my humble opinion, Reilly passes BOTH litmus tests with flying colors!!! And you can listen to a sample here :) -

http://www.reillytheband.com/nav.html

Twins Teeth are Neck in Neck!!

Well - Stephen lost his second tooth yesterday (see - I am improving). Daddy pulled it out in time for a dentist appointment today..... So - that makes the score 2 to 2. Chris is slightly in the lead as he has 2 more teeth wiggly - and Stephen has been recently traumatized and therefore reticent to wiggle anything right now......

We started school this week! All 6 of us! It has been WONDERFUL!! Really, really busy, but wonderful. Mike has class every day in the morning, and Monday nights. We are done before he gets home so we can have lunch together before he moves on to working in the afternoons (at least for now - he has several rooms of a friend of ours he is painting). I am also painting plates again, so that helps too. All in all we are just kind of plugging along. GOD IS SO GOOD! We are almost 1 week down out of 16. But who is counting :) ? I can't believe how fast the time is going.

The twins turn 6 this weekend. Talk about time moving fast - where did those years go?

They will be doing Push the Rock this fall with their big brother and sister - which translates into 2 hours of mommy time a week. That's going to be weird..... Hopefully a friend of mine will be going as well, so we might have some time to fellowship. That would be great! I am so grateful for this time we are experiencing. There has been much joy this week! Two more days and we will have completed week one out of 36 - but who's counting :)!!

A podcast by David Powlison

I would love to recommend a podcast I was able to listen to yesterday by David Powlison - a Christian counselor. It is an excellent podacast on grace and prayer. Here is the link. It is about an hour - but is well worth the time!!

http://www.ccef.org/authors/david-powlison

An Update?

I realize I haven't posted in 2 months. We have had a crazy summer. Mike is finishing up his finals this week, and we have both been counting down the days this semester. It has been an unusually tough time for us time wise.

Last week we had the opportunity to go to Worship God '09 (the SGM Worship conference). Mike had been able to attend last year ('08), and really wanted me to come along with him. I can't express how grateful I am that he pushed me to go. It was an amazing time, and God used so many things over the course of the 4 days we were there to re-center my focus on Him. It was time well spent, and we are tremendously grateful to have been able to go (and grateful to my parents for watching the kids!!).

Mike is really looking forward to finishing his semester. One more semester, and he is done. I have no idea what the next few months will hold as we move forward, and that can be a bit unnerving. I think we are both feeling that. These past few months have been a mixture of fear, hope, confusion, peace, and a wonderful exercise in faith. I am feeling as if the next few months will bring about a whole new level of exercise. I know that He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in us - I am really praying for peace in the transition.

The kids have been great. I truly do not deserve to be blessed with the gift of my kids! They continue to grow and encourage me in so many ways!! We are getting ready to shift back into school mode. They are eager (especially the younger 2), and are looking forward to starting back up again. I need to bathe that in prayer - I am not there yet. I keep putting our start date off. It is time to get organized and going....

My heart has been heavy as of late. God is faithful. I know He is. It just feels like a free fall right now. I feel like we have been given such a great gift in this time. I am not sure if we have used it effectively. God has been bountiful in His provision to us. He has been gracious to our family. As I look back on all He has done over the last 8 months (WOW!!) that Mike has been home, I am nothing but grateful. I am starting to wonder what comes next now. I am not sure if that is helpful. And yet, as this season winds down in the next few months, I find myself asking my husband more and more often "What's going to happen to us? Are we going to be OK? We're going to be OK right?"

Even as I ask I know that I should know better. Mike is not my saviour. He loves me, and God uses him to provide for our family (in ways we could never have imagined). But he doesn't know, nor does he control the future. And I know who does. And I know He is faithful. And He has walked us through in ways I could never have anticipated. Please pray for a more profound focus. Please pray that I would not be "like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." (James 1:23-24). But that I would be about doing the word - and that my trust would be planted firmly in God who NEVER changes.

Unfair treatment

OK - a mom confession. Stephen lost his first tooth this past week. And you know what? I don't even remember which day it was - isn't this just the way it is when you're the baby? And the poor little guy is only 2 minutes younger than his brother. I am feeling major guilt......